Breakup pain: why it hurts so much and what helps you heal

You pick up your phone to message them, then remember. You replay the last conversation. You cannot eat, or you cannot stop eating. A song in a shop makes your throat close. Whether it was a relationship of three months or thirteen years, whether the family knew or not, a breakup can feel like the floor has gone.

In India, many people go through this quietly. A relationship may have been hidden from family, or the end of an engagement may bring talk and questions from relatives. If so, you may feel you have no one to grieve with. This article is a place to start. It is general information, not a diagnosis.

What a breakup is

A breakup is the loss of a person, a daily routine, shared plans and a version of your future. The NHS notes that grief can follow losses other than death, including the end of a relationship, a job or a home. So if you feel something like grief, that makes sense.

What it can feel like

The NHS lists common grief reactions: shock and numbness, overwhelming sadness with lots of crying, tiredness or exhaustion, anger, and guilt about things said or unsaid. You may also have trouble sleeping, lose your appetite, find it hard to focus at work, or feel a strong pull to contact the person. You may swing between all of these in one day.

The NHS also says people may not go through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) in order, or at all. There is no right way to do it.

Why it hurts so much

When a close bond ends, it is natural to keep reaching for the person who was part of your days, even if the relationship was difficult. Habits, hopes and daily contact all stop at once.

Some research suggests the brain also reacts to heartbreak in ways that overlap with physical pain. In a 2011 study in the journal PNAS, Kross and colleagues scanned 40 people who had been through an unwanted breakup in the past six months. When they looked at a photo of their ex and thought about the rejection, brain regions involved in the sensory side of physical pain became active. These regions also became active when the same people felt physical heat pain.

Rumination and the urge to check

After a breakup the mind often goes round and round: What went wrong? Could I have done something? Are they happy? Going over it again and again can feel like problem-solving. For many people it mostly keeps the pain alive without giving answers. The NIMH suggests identifying and challenging negative, unhelpful thoughts, which can be a useful first step.

Social media can feed this. In a 2012 study of 464 people published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, Marshall found that checking an ex's Facebook page was linked to more distress about the breakup, more negative feelings, stronger longing and less personal growth. Staying Facebook friends with an ex was linked to fewer negative feelings and less longing, but also to less personal growth. These are links, not proof of cause, and the study is from some years ago. Still, it fits what many people notice: seeing their ex's posts reopens the wound.

Many people find that a break from contact and from watching the ex's profile helps. You could mute, unfollow or archive, rather than block in anger, if that feels easier. Do what keeps you steady. There is no single rule, and you do not have to be perfect at it. If you slip and check, that does not mean you have failed.

Normal pain or something more?

Sadness after a breakup should ease gradually. The NHS advises seeing a GP if low mood has lasted more than 2 weeks, if you are struggling to cope, or if what you are trying yourself is not helping. For depression, the NHS describes symptoms present most of the day, every day, for more than 2 weeks, such as ongoing low mood, hopelessness, low self-esteem, guilt, loss of enjoyment, sleep or appetite changes, and sometimes thoughts of suicide. WHO describes depression similarly, adding poor concentration and low energy.

What helps

The NHS suggests these ways of coping with grief. They fit breakups too.

• Talk about your feelings with a friend, family member, counsellor or doctor. Peer support, where people share experiences, can help.
• Move your body regularly. Exercise can lift mood and help sleep.
• Eat regular meals to keep your energy steady.
• Set small, achievable goals instead of trying to do everything at once.
• Try not to use alcohol, cigarettes, gambling or drugs to cope. They can make mental health worse.
• Remind yourself you are not alone. Most people go through grief of some kind.

Writing your feelings down also fits the NHS suggestion to talk, write or draw about what you feel. Keeping to small routines, like a daily walk, tea with a friend or a fixed bedtime, gives the day some shape while the bigger picture is unclear.

When a relationship was unhealthy or abusive

Not every relationship that ends was a loving one. WHO describes intimate partner violence as behaviour by a partner or ex-partner that causes physical, sexual or psychological harm, including controlling behaviours. The NHS lists warning signs such as being put down, being cut off from family and friends, having your money controlled, threats, physical harm and unwanted sexual pressure. It says that if you are afraid of your partner or have changed your behaviour to avoid what they might do, you may be in an abusive relationship.

WHO estimates that about 1 in 4 women (25.8 per cent) aged 15 to 49 who have been in a relationship have experienced physical or sexual violence from a partner at least once, based on 2023 estimates. In India, the Government's Women Helpline is 181. It is described on the Mission Shakti website as a 24x7 emergency and non-emergency service that connects women with police, One Stop Centres, hospitals and legal services. One Stop Centres offer medical aid, legal advice, temporary shelter, police assistance and counselling. In an emergency, call 112. Tele MANAS (14416) can also help with the emotional effects.

Myths and the Indian context

• "It was only a relationship, so move on." A close bond is a real attachment. The loss is real even if no one else sees it.
• "You will feel better if you find someone new quickly." Some people find new company helpful and others find it makes things harder. There is no timetable.
• "Men should not cry over this." Everyone feels loss. Talking to someone is a sign of sense.
• "Log kya kahenge, so stay silent." Family and social pressure can make people hide a breakup or an end of engagement. Choose even one safe person to tell.